Bids for Connection in Relationships: Gottman’s Concept Explained
Feeling emotionally brushed off by small moments can be surprisingly painful. Many people notice tension or distance in their relationships not after big arguments, but after everyday interactions that seem to go nowhere. That’s where bids for connection come in. In Gottman’s relationship research, bids for connection refer to the small, often subtle attempts people make to connect emotionally with their partner throughout the day.
These moments can look ordinary — a comment about work, a shared look, a question, or a sigh — but research shows they play a central role in how close or distant partners feel over time. According to long-term studies led by psychologist John Gottman, the way partners respond to these bids matters more for relationship stability than how they handle major conflicts.
In this article, you’ll learn what bids for connection actually are, how they show up in real life, and why people often miss them without meaning to. We’ll also look at practical ways to respond more effectively and how to recognize when communication issues may benefit from professional support. This information is educational, not medical advice, and is meant to help you better understand everyday relationship dynamics.
What Are Bids for Connection in Gottman’s Relationship Research?
Bids for connection are the small, everyday ways people reach out to their partner for attention, support, or emotional closeness. In Gottman’s research, a bid is any attempt to say, in one form or another, “Do you see me?” or “Are you here with me?” These moments are often quiet and easy to miss, but they form the emotional fabric of a relationship.
At their core, bids for connection are not about solving problems or having deep conversations. They are about contact. A bid can be a question, a comment, a touch, a look, or even a change in tone. What matters is not how skillfully the bid is expressed, but that it represents a desire to connect, however briefly.
The Core Idea Behind Bids for Connection
John Gottman’s work is based on decades of observing couples in everyday interactions, not just during conflicts. What emerged from this research was a simple but powerful insight: relationships are built, or slowly eroded, in ordinary moments. Partners are constantly sending out bids for connection, often without realizing it.
A bid might sound like:
- “Can I tell you something funny that happened today?”
- “Did you see that?”
- “I’m exhausted.”
None of these statements explicitly ask for emotional closeness, yet each one opens a door. The bid itself is an invitation. The response determines whether that door stays open, quietly closes, or slams shut.
Importantly, bids are not a sign of neediness or insecurity. They are a normal part of human interaction. Even emotionally independent people make bids throughout the day. Wanting acknowledgment, warmth, or shared attention is not a flaw; it is how connection is maintained.
Why Small Moments Matter More Than Big Talks
Many couples assume that relationship health depends on handling major conflicts well. While conflict management does matter, Gottman’s research suggests that it’s the accumulation of small moments that predicts long-term relationship satisfaction. Partners who regularly respond to each other’s bids tend to feel safer, closer, and more supported, even when disagreements arise.
Here’s why these moments carry so much weight. Big conversations happen occasionally. Bids for connection happen dozens of times a day. Each response sends a subtle message: “You matter to me” or “You’re on your own right now.” Over time, these messages shape emotional trust.
For example, imagine one partner casually mentions feeling stressed about work. If the other partner looks up, listens, and responds with interest, the interaction reinforces emotional availability. If the response is distraction or dismissal, the message received may be very different, even if no harm was intended.
Missing a bid does not mean the relationship is failing. Everyone misses them sometimes, especially when tired or overwhelmed. What Gottman’s research highlights is pattern, not perfection. Consistently noticing and responding to bids, even in small ways, helps partners feel connected in a way that no single “serious talk” can replace.
How Bids for Connection Show Up in Everyday Relationships
Bids for connection rarely announce themselves clearly. Most of the time, they show up as ordinary comments or small behaviors that don’t look emotional on the surface. That’s one reason they’re so easy to miss. People often expect connection to arrive as a serious conversation, when in reality it usually appears in much quieter ways.
In daily life, bids for connection are woven into routines. They happen while making coffee, scrolling through a phone, or getting ready for bed. Because they feel casual, partners may not recognize them as attempts to connect, even though that’s exactly what they are.
Verbal Bids: Words, Questions, and Invitations
Some bids are expressed through words. These don’t have to be profound or emotionally loaded to count. A verbal bid is any spoken attempt to engage a partner’s attention or interest.
Common examples include:
- sharing a small detail about the day
- asking a simple question like “What do you think?”
- making a joke or observation
- bringing up a memory or inside reference
What matters is the intention behind the words. When someone says, “That meeting was rough,” they may not be asking for advice. Often, they’re looking for acknowledgment or empathy. A brief response that shows interest can be enough to meet the bid.
Nonverbal and Emotional Bids
Not all bids are spoken. Many are expressed through body language, tone, or behavior. These can be even easier to overlook, especially in busy or stressful moments.
Nonverbal bids may include:
- a sigh or change in posture
- prolonged eye contact
- sitting closer or initiating touch
- facial expressions that signal excitement or discouragement
These signals often communicate emotional states indirectly. A partner who sits down heavily on the couch may be inviting comfort. Someone who reaches for a hand may be seeking reassurance. When these cues go unnoticed, the person may feel unseen, even if no words were exchanged.
Why Bids Are Often Missed
Most missed bids are not acts of rejection. They’re the result of distraction, stress, or mental overload. Work pressure, parenting demands, health concerns, and constant digital interruptions all compete for attention. Under stress, people naturally narrow their focus, which makes subtle emotional cues harder to register.
Another reason bids are missed is expectation mismatch. One partner may assume that if something is important, it will be stated clearly. The other may believe that emotional needs should be sensed without explanation. Neither approach is wrong, but the gap between them can create quiet frustration.
Below is a simple illustration of how this plays out in everyday moments.
| Example of a bid | What the person is seeking | Common missed response |
|---|---|---|
| “Look at this” | Shared attention | Silence or phone scrolling |
| Sharing a meme | Emotional connection | “Not now” |
| “How was your day?” | Engagement | One-word reply |
| Sighing or expressing fatigue | Support | Changing the subject |
| Casual touch | Affection | Pulling away |
If you recognize yourself in these examples, you’re not alone. Most couples miss bids regularly, especially during demanding periods. The key point from Gottman’s research is not to eliminate missed bids entirely, but to become more aware of how often they happen and how easily small responses can change the emotional tone of a relationship.
Turning Toward, Turning Away, and Turning Against: Why Responses Matter
What shapes emotional closeness in a relationship isn’t the bid itself, but the response that follows. Gottman’s research describes three common ways partners respond to bids for connection: turning toward, turning away, and turning against. Over time, these response patterns quietly teach partners what to expect from each other emotionally.
A single response rarely defines a relationship. What matters is repetition. When the same type of response shows up again and again, it becomes part of the relationship’s emotional climate.
Turning Toward: What Emotional Responsiveness Looks Like
Turning toward means acknowledging a bid and responding with some level of engagement. This doesn’t require a long conversation or a perfectly attuned reply. Often, it’s brief and ordinary.
Turning toward can look like:
- making eye contact and listening
- responding with curiosity or warmth
- offering a small gesture of support
- following up later if you can’t engage in the moment
For example, if a partner says, “I had a rough day,” turning toward might simply mean saying, “That sounds hard,” and pausing to listen. Even a short response communicates availability. Over time, these moments build emotional safety, because each partner learns that reaching out is usually met with care.
Turning Away and Turning Against: Common Patterns
Turning away happens when a bid is ignored or overlooked. The response may not be hostile, but it lacks engagement. Distraction, multitasking, or delayed responses often fall into this category.
Turning against is more active. It involves responding with irritation, sarcasm, criticism, or dismissal. This type of response doesn’t just miss the bid; it pushes back against it.
Here’s how these patterns differ in everyday interactions.
| Response pattern | What it looks like | Typical impact |
|---|---|---|
| Turning toward | Acknowledging, engaging | Builds trust and closeness |
| Turning away | Ignoring, distraction | Creates emotional distance |
| Turning against | Criticism or sarcasm | Erodes emotional safety |
How Repeated Responses Shape Emotional Safety
Emotional safety grows when partners experience consistent responsiveness. When bids are met with interest or care most of the time, people feel more comfortable being open. They take emotional risks, share concerns earlier, and recover from conflict more easily.
When bids are frequently missed or rejected, a different pattern can develop. People may stop reaching out altogether. Instead of expressing needs, they withdraw or become resentful. This shift often happens quietly, without a clear turning point.
Imagine a partner who repeatedly comments on feeling overwhelmed and receives little response. Over time, they may decide it’s easier not to say anything. The other partner may interpret the silence as independence, while the first experiences it as loneliness. Neither intention is malicious, but the emotional gap widens.
Gottman’s work emphasizes that relationships don’t break down because of occasional missed bids. They struggle when turning away or turning against becomes the norm. The encouraging part is that response patterns can change. Even small increases in turning toward can restore a sense of connection and safety, especially when partners become aware of how these everyday moments work.
How to Respond to Bids for Connection More Effectively
Responding to bids for connection doesn’t require constant emotional availability or perfect communication skills. What matters most is being responsive often enough that your partner feels noticed. Gottman’s research emphasizes “good enough” responsiveness, not flawless attunement. Small, consistent responses are far more important than grand gestures.
Many people worry that responding to every bid means dropping everything or having long conversations. In reality, turning toward can be brief, simple, and realistic for everyday life.
Simple Ways to Turn Toward Without Overthinking
Turning toward starts with acknowledgment. Even a short response can signal emotional presence.
Helpful approaches include:
- pausing and making brief eye contact
- responding with a few attentive words
- mirroring what you heard, such as “That sounds frustrating”
- showing interest with a follow-up question
For instance, if your partner shares a small story while you’re busy, saying “I want to hear this, can we talk in five minutes?” still counts as turning toward. You’re not ignoring the bid; you’re postponing engagement while preserving connection.
What often gets in the way is the belief that a response has to be meaningful or insightful. It doesn’t. Responsiveness is about availability, not performance.
What to Do When You’re Tired or Emotionally Full
Stress, fatigue, and emotional overload make responsiveness harder. This is normal. Under pressure, attention narrows and emotional cues are easier to miss. The goal in these moments isn’t to force connection, but to communicate limits without shutting the door.
Turning toward while setting a boundary might sound like:
- “I’m really tired, but I want to be with you later”
- “I don’t have the energy to talk right now, but I care”
- “Can we come back to this after dinner?”
These responses prevent bids from turning into silent rejections. They let your partner know the lack of engagement is about capacity, not disinterest.
Repairing Missed Bids Without Blame
Everyone misses bids. What matters is repair. Repair doesn’t require an apology speech or a deep conversation. It can be as simple as returning to the moment later.
Repair might look like:
- “I realized I didn’t really respond earlier”
- “I was distracted before, but I want to hear you now”
- offering a small gesture of warmth after a missed moment
If you’ve ever felt brushed off unintentionally, you know how powerful repair can be. It restores trust by showing awareness and care. Over time, repairs teach both partners that missed moments don’t have to turn into emotional distance.
Responding to bids more effectively isn’t about changing your personality or becoming more expressive. It’s about noticing opportunities for connection and responding in ways that feel realistic for your life. Even modest shifts toward acknowledgment can make everyday interactions feel warmer and more secure.
When Missed Bids Signal Deeper Relationship Strain
Missing bids for connection from time to time is part of being human. Stress, distraction, and emotional fatigue affect everyone. However, when missed bids become the dominant pattern in a relationship, they can point to deeper strain that goes beyond everyday misattunement.
The key difference isn’t the presence of missed bids, but what happens afterward. Healthy relationships include missed moments and repair. Strained relationships often include missed moments without repair.
Patterns That Go Beyond Everyday Misattunement
Occasional disconnection feels different from chronic emotional distance. When bids are repeatedly ignored or met with irritation, people often stop reaching out. This shift usually happens quietly. One partner may become more withdrawn, while the other may feel confused about why closeness has faded.
Patterns that may signal deeper difficulty include:
- repeated emotional withdrawal after attempts to connect
- frequent turning against responses, such as sarcasm or contempt
- lack of repair after missed bids
- growing reluctance to share feelings or daily experiences
These patterns don’t mean a relationship is doomed. They do suggest that stress, unresolved conflict, or long-standing emotional injuries may be shaping how partners respond to each other.
When Couples Therapy May Help
When communication skills alone aren’t shifting the pattern, couples therapy can offer structured support. Evidence-based approaches, including Gottman Method Couples Therapy, focus directly on emotional responsiveness, repair, and rebuilding trust through everyday interactions.
In therapy, partners can slow down interactions, identify missed bids, and practice turning toward in a safer environment. This work isn’t about assigning blame. It’s about understanding how each partner’s nervous system, stress levels, and past experiences influence responsiveness in the present.
According to the American Psychological Association, seeking relationship counseling is appropriate when emotional disconnection persists, conflicts feel repetitive, or attempts to reconnect lead to more frustration rather than relief.
Knowing When to Reach Out for Professional Support
If conversations about connection consistently end in shutdown, hostility, or hopelessness, it may be time to seek professional guidance. A licensed couples therapist, psychologist, or counselor can help partners understand patterns without pathologizing either person.
This article is informational only and not a substitute for professional care. If emotional distress in a relationship begins to affect mental health, work functioning, or personal safety, reaching out for support is a responsible step.
If you or your partner ever experience thoughts of self-harm or feel unsafe, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the United States. If there is immediate danger, call 911. Confidential help is available 24/7.
References
1. The Gottman Institute. Bids for Connection and Emotional Responsiveness. 2023.
2. American Psychological Association. Building and Maintaining Healthy Relationships. 2022.
3. National Institute of Mental Health. Stress and Its Effects on Mental Health. 2023.
4. Harvard Health Publishing. Emotional Attunement in Close Relationships. 2021.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is a bid for connection in a relationship?
A bid for connection is a small attempt to engage emotionally with a partner, such as sharing a thought, asking a question, or seeking attention. These moments invite connection, even if they seem casual or insignificant.
Is it normal to miss bids for connection?
Yes. Most people miss bids at times, especially when stressed, tired, or distracted. Missing a bid doesn’t mean a lack of care; patterns over time matter more than isolated moments.
Does ignoring bids mean my partner doesn’t care?
Not necessarily. Ignored bids are often linked to overload or distraction rather than lack of love. Open awareness and repair can help clarify intentions and restore connection.
How can I respond to bids without feeling overwhelmed?
Even brief acknowledgment can be enough. Turning toward doesn’t require long conversations; simple responses or setting a clear boundary while expressing care often helps.
What’s the difference between missed bids and emotional neglect?
Missed bids happen occasionally and are usually repaired. Emotional neglect involves ongoing patterns of dismissal without repair, leading to persistent emotional distance.
When should couples consider therapy for communication issues?
Couples may benefit from therapy when attempts to reconnect repeatedly lead to frustration or shutdown. A licensed couples therapist can help address patterns safely and constructively.